Opinion  

Mrs Ache visits twice weekly, accompanied by compression stockings that could find their own way here by now. Actually, they probably do - she just stands up and, wham, she's outside my door. Sadly, she always finds some reason to make me remove the bloody things once she's here, and they're as stubborn as she is. But I did that this morning. Why is she returning?

Mrs Ache has earache. I sigh. Three hours ago her ear was fine and I thought I had fought the tights for the last time. Pathetically I try phoning, suggesting she saves herself a trip by trying a simple remedy first, like olive oil, but Mrs Ache doesn't buy this. Olive oil is for oiling olives, she needs a proper medical opinion, because you never know whether your ear, or indeed your entire head will drop off if you leave these things unchallenged. Imagine how painful the ear would be if she wasn't already on meptid for her back. She could just fade away, she says dramatically.

I feel this is even less likely than the Darzi report fading away, but what the heck, ears are quick.

At three o'clock she trundles in wincing and I have the otoscope at the ready. She has not sat down before I have whisked it into her ear, complimented her on her excellent balance, lack of hearing impairment and discharge free-ear canal. The sofradex scrip is printed and I am sure things will improve by tomorrow. I stand expectantly.

Mrs Ache doesn't. The ear, it seems, is better, but was a terrible worry for over an hour because her neighbour needed a hole drilling in hers in 1937. But now there's a itchy patch on her calf she needs me to look at. The stockings glower triumphantly and I realise, defeated, that there never was any chance of a cheese sandwich.

And then, to my astonishment, as my right arm is rendered ischaemic by flesh-coloured elastic, she reaches into her handbag and hands me a KitKat and a card. I am sorry you're leaving, quoth she. This is for you.

I am so astonished that I cry. I do love this job.

Dr Selby is a GP from Suffolk. Email her at GPcolumnists@haymarket.com.